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Red Ajah IWW 2015: Raising Strong girls - Discussion


Torrie

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I figured this whole thing with raising girls would be easy. You know; paint some nails, brush some hair, makeup...

 

Not so much.

 

I have two girls. One is eight and the other turned 11 today (Happy Birthday, Jackie!). I still do nails, hair and makeup but a girls life is so much more. My girls worry about these things plus school and grades, boys and other girls, body image, the newest hottest singer, the biggest fad and many other things.

 

And this list doesn't even cover things like the female high school dropout rate, rape culture, inequality in the work-force, or body shaming. But just because my girls don't think about it now, doesn't mean my girls aren't going to think about it very soon.

 

How do you raise strong intelligent girls, who not only can make a decision by themselves, but also can stand up for themselves and feel pride in their accomplishments.

 

Forbes says there are eight basic steps to empowering our girls.

  • Tell her you believe in her
  • Get her outside
  • Pursue her interested
  • Minimize the princesses
  • Parent with empathy
  • Help her love her looks
  • Sign up for sports
  • Show interested in her academics
http://www.forbes.com/sites/samanthaettus/2012/10/11/8-essential-steps-to-raising-confident-girls/

 

I like these... well most of these. I still think some of these are following a stereotype. Like really...? If your girl likes princesses why minimize it? Why sign her up for a sport when she might not like sports?

 

Most are good. Every little girl wants someone to believe in her. So while lists are never encompassing to all people, take what you can and use it for betterment.

 

In your mind, what are some of the best ways to raise a young girl into a powerful woman?

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I don't have girls but your list seems to be spot on.  Also, I've often said it in jest but there is some seriousness to it based on my own experience.  Get her involved in horses.  If she's riding and and handling a 1000-lb prey animal who has a mind of its own, she's learning skills and strength and responsibility and that she is empowered.  Even if you can't afford to buy her a horse, there are lesson barns that provide opportunities to learn and work and ride and even show.  I gained so much confidence and strength by working with and riding horses.

 

But like I said, I don't have girls!  I do have friends with girls and I've watched several of them blossom once they started riding. And by blossoming, I mean with confidence and strength.

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i dont have a daughter so i wouldnt really know. i would think as anything else, theres no one right way to do it. based on how my sister was raised and whatt i know about other women in my family, it seems like the two most important things are teaching her how to hunt and how to fight. how to hunt, and other such practical skills, i guess would coincide with "getting her outdoors" on the list - you teach her how she might be able to get by all by herself in the most rudimentary way if everything and everyone somehow failed her, and i doubt theres no greater confidence you can give someone than that. you also teach her the value of all life and nature and through it she should gain confidence in her own female nature. teaching her how to fight, you give her the tools by which she can physically defend herself and another motive to stay physically fit and strong - that builds confidence to, because she knows that whatever their gender, male or female, she could be as loud or as brazen as she wants to be with them and she will have good odds of defending herself if it led to blows. otherwise....idont know. seems like everything else i would suggest is a cultural thing and wouldnt apply or work so well in another; like discouraging wearing make-up outside of magick we do because otherwise you arent thought well of to say the least and perceived as having low confidence, probably shouldnt suggest that because part of that isnt coherant to someone outside of the culture and the other might be offensive, though i would think telling her she doesnt need make-up or need to shave herself much would build confidence too. i would say its important to teach family-orientation too but before anyone calls me out on being sexist  i would say thats important for men too as thinking about yourself in a social context, regardless of gender, makes you more conscientious and wiser of your place within your family and the extended family of all life. 

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I have sons. Had I had a daughter, I would have encouraged sports rather than cheer (for multiple reasons.)  I think letting her know that she is capable of pursuing her interests no matter what they are, even in traditionally male fields of interest.

 

Like Taltos, I think females need to have confidence in themselves and that includes self defense and handling the outdoors on your own.  We do a lot of camping and my husband enjoys backpacking.  He's taught winter survival and other things.

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I agree with a whole lot of what's being said. There's no universal step by step recipe for raising girls nor boys, and raising them should be all about empowering them to be the best version of themselves. 

 

That being said I think it's important that we create a "whole" person, so that they know a little about most skills and can live their lives independent of others should they have to. 

 

I also agree with Torrie that there's no reason to sign your girl up for sports if she's not into it. Maybe she likes music? Drama? Art?

 

And as for the princesses... Let little girls and boys play princesses all they want. They are training their imaginations. Personally what I don't like is when grown ups use words like "princess" to describe a girl. It's a pet peeve of mine... 

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As a girl who was raised, I can say I wish I had been signed up for more sports. I am an artist at heart, and I always will be, but since I never was able to get into sports or horseback riding as you suggest (my heart couldn't handle hunting), I know nothing about the matters, most outdoors-y things are lost on me. Only recently did I realize that maybe I am the way I am because of my mother's bias against certain activities. Instead of just saying, sign her up for sports, I say give her an equal opportunity in all the potential fields of interest, even if art seems trivial or sports boring. The boys, too. I'm not a parent, though, I just know what I would have preferred.

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  • Club Leader

My daughter is a strong woman. I didn't do it on purpose, but the one thing I always did was allow her to make her own decisions. With experience, she learned to make good ones. Then (and here's the most important part) I told her she made good decisions. I told her that a lot. She would tell me what she was thinking about, and I would tell her my opinion, followed by "But I trust your judgement. You make good choices." Now, at 17, she comes to me with things that she's done, even if I consider them private, and let's me know. We have a very open relationship, and I believe it's from the trust I've given her. So, I definitely agree with the first one. 

 

As for sports and princesses, I don't know. I like princesses, and we have always had a lot of them. Sports has to be an interest of hers, as others have said. You can't just put a kid in sports, regardless of their opinion. 

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Good points everyone!

 

Dar, I agree. I loved being able to ride horses, when I was able. I did not get lessons, but I helped out at a Children's camp. I worked in the barn and just taking care of the horses and their stalls/pasture helped me learn responsibility. Although I think being involved with any animal care will do this too.

 

Ryrin, I encourage more physical and sports type play in my girls, but I make sure they understand if they want to do a girly (for lack of a better word) activity, it is ok too.

 

Sooh, I agree with both girls and boys playing princess if they want. It does encourage, at the least, a different view point than most boys will normally see. And the balance of a whole person is an absolute. In this world everyone has to be well-rounded to survive.

 

Aniere, good points! At least if you had the opportunity to try these things, you could have decided yourself if you liked them or not. But that also seems to be the mindset of a lot of mothers in past generations. Not trying to make a sweeping statement, because we all know there are exceptions to everything, but it seems mothers of the past really only encouraged "proper activities" for their daughters.

 

Taltos, I love it when you give your input into our conversations. Your insights are thought provoking. My girls know the outdoors. If you take them out in the woods and give them a tent and matches, you will come back to shelter and fire (maybe dinner). The self defense thing has always been an issue with me. I understand the need for it, but I wish we didn't need it. Although if someone goes after my girls, my girls are going for their eyeballs.

 

i would say its important to teach family-orientation too but before anyone calls me out on being sexist i would say thats important for men too as thinking about yourself in a social context, regardless of gender, makes you more conscientious and wiser of your place within your family and the extended family of all life.

I want to touch on this. First, I completely agree that family orientation for both sexes is extremely important. I am going to take this on a different track though.

 

What role does the father play in raising strong women? Both fathers that are romantically involved with the mother and those who are not. I know I was raised thinking my father is the protector and he knows more than I do and should be involved with any decisions I make in my life. While I still believe in this to an extent, I also believe that my girls have the right to make their own decisions, especially as they get older. Their body does not belong to their father or to me. While I want my husband to protect my girls if they feel violated against their will, I also feel that he has to stand back and let them choose what they will do with their mind and body.

 

What role do you feel the father plays in raising strong women?

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What role do you feel the father plays in raising strong women?

i think it depends. seems in my family generally the father is mostlly there to defend daughter's honour - so i guess a protector - but then how strong can you say is that woman your defending if she doesnt defend her own honour besides that it clearly shows something of patriarchy because father generally wont defend son's honour, lets him do it himself except when son cant like gets beaten up so bad he cant get revenge himself. may not be an issue of strength either, could just be shes perfectly capable of doing it herself but lets others do it as accepting a favour - i know my sister is perfectly capable of repairing her own honour but me and brothers will still kick the crap out of anyone who offends her and she usually doesnt feel slighted by that, takes it as flattery. otherwise seems the father's duty to teach her anything her mother mostly isnt, which is usually hunting and fighting and also being supportive of her interests as long as its not perceived of as weak or makes the family lose face. i think another interesting question would be how much of concept of "strong" is derived from the belief that masculine traits are overally stronger or, if they arent inherantly masculine, how we assign such traits to the masculine gender, because i can tell at least in my family that our idea of strength is pretty masculine and thats why ive been told a number of times my female relatives "act like men."

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Lots of kids take horseback lessons and can get jobs at stables.  Here we have "Happy Trails."  It's a riding center where people with physical, cognitive, and emotional disabilities can participate in equine facilitated therapy.  They always need volunteers.  Girls can do 4H with small animals too.  Here we have places for the 4H kids if they don't have room at home.  I have a young teen who has Down Syndrome that raises and shows chickens.

 

I think girls need to be mentored in skill acquisition, whether it be horses, sports, dance, wildlife skills etc.(not only fun stuff but also necessary skills to take care of themselves.) When girls feel confident, they have a higher sense of self worth.  The sense of self worth for both boys and girls should NOT come from their looks.

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having grown up poor in a city and living in one now the horse thing isn't part of my world. when I tried it in college it terrified me. I think individuals need to be raised like individuals, in whatever circumstances they find themselves. I'm a weird individual and was lucky enough not to be discouraged in personal oddity in my home at least.

 

I don't think there's a one size fits all answer here.

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I do agree access to horses can be limited, but I also think any type of animal can build any child's self confidence. In the US, animal shelters can always use volunteers.

 

Yes, this question does not have one answer and no matter how long we discuss it we will never agree on a one "true" way. But I am certainly enjoying everyone's thoughts.

 

Mrs. Cindy, mentioned an accepting family life. How do we as parents let our children know we accept them for who they are and how important is this factor in a girls life?

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i think letting children whatever their gender do a lot of their own thing when they feel like shows you accept and respect them best and that builds a huge amount of self-esteem and confidence. that of course doesnt mean you dont give them any responsibilities/expectations; but make them realistic and not artificial, like my son has a range of chores he needs to get done every day, week, and less frequent, and unless he comlpetely blows all of it off which ive never known him to do or there is one that is very important, he gets to arrange when he does them and to a large part how. seems to get things done a lot faster and thorough because he is given the sense that its just for fun or its entirely up to him to do it or not and when he chooses to do them he wants to impress others about how well he did it rather than making it seem like he has no choice. every child has their own unique natural rhythm and are naturally anarchistic (not in that they are chaotic but in they resist all authority and rules that arent natural, least until you brainwash them into submission), and if you let them develop in synchronisation with that there is no way they will not be a confident and competent individual. 

 

one would think that would be obvious but seems largely something most parents are unaware of, as i see parents lot of times telling their kid to "shut up" or "stand here" or "sit down" a lot of times for no reason other than they think the child is being a nuisance, and schools themselves do the same thing besides expecting everyone to study and learn and develop intellectually at the exact same time in the same way, and i cant think of much more crippling to confidence and self-esteem other than flat out physical and verbal abuse than that, basically stripping children of their individuality and teaching them that complete obedience, a sense of inferiority, and passivity is good. 

 

so raising a strong girl i would expect then would be to remember to treat child with respect by remembering they are living beings and not sock puppets, and be to them a guide, not a ruler, as that doesnt show disrespect because everyone at every stage of life needs guides, whether family or the other members of the natural world, talk to her like you would an adult though of course at early stages you would have to simplify it some so that she always knows shes an equal (and kids can tell when you are talking down on them, even if only subconsciously, and that helps shape inferiority complexes), let her learn at her own pace and let her focus on her own interests as much as possible (id recommend not sending her to school at all, least not a conventional one, but that isnt possible for some people, least the belief makes it seem so even if thats not reality), and dont expect her to follow a rigid schedule unless shes interested in one so that she gives precedence to her own sense of time and being over what a clock or exploitative people demand of her. 

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Your list sounds pretty good, except for the minimize princesses and sign her up for sports thing. Those points sound like they were written by the radical feminist types. Some kids like princesses, some kids like sports. Kids should not have any gender role pushed upon them in my opinion. Let the kids choose what they like.

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I've always believed in exposing my children to lots of different places, peoples, and activities.  They will choose what interests them and what they wish to pursue.  There should be no gender profiling either. I've spoken with my youngest son about being a nurse and his girlfriend is pursuing a firefighting career (as he has chosen.)  Teach and expose and let them go.

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I agree with the exposure thing. As a girl, I find it is a good thing to be exposed to various things. At one time I liked both Barbies and Power Rangers. My parents didn't discourage me and I found by myself what combination of two I preferred.

 

I think girls should be involved in sports, or any extra curricular activity. These might be the only way of exercise. But it is important to find a sport that you like. I support swimming for sports because that is a skill you never know when one might need.

 

For role of father, I don't know what to say. Most of the time my father was too involved in his work to have time for his family. My brother and I used to not see our father for weeks. His role in family was confined to some important decisions like which school we attend, which classes we take (though not much in this regard, by the time I was first offered a choice of subjects in school, I was grown up enough to choose what I liked not what my father suggested based on what my cousins, who did not have a choice in subject, took). So, I don't know how much a father affects.

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