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IWW: Be Bold ! (Tips)


Mystica

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Something that many people, men ànd women, may not be aware of is that women have this habit of constantly undermining themselves in the most subconscious and unaware manner. Everyone takes it for granted. Everyone considered it normal. Nobody stops to think how odd it is that women would do these things. Least of all the women themselves.

 

Being bold is not something that is encouraged in women but it is very much considered as normal in a male’s behavior. More even, it is expected of him where (even today still) it is at best frowned upon with her.

 

What do we mean when we use the word bold? Do we by definition mean loud, drawing attention to oneself? Do we mean being pushy and demanding to be the center of attention and consideration? Or is being bold more subtle? Imbedded in our everyday lives, in unassuming things that only become visible and noteworthy when certain groups of people display them while they remain completely unnoted in other groups?

 

We invite you to bring your own examples of how women could and should be more bold and how they could go about that or how we can all help to bring that about.

 

Perhaps you have examples from your own lives, the people you know, the groups you belong to or the communities you live in. Perhaps your community has already dealt with certain examples and you can provide tips for others to follow. Or perhaps you have noticed situations that are disturbing but you don’t quite know how to address them or what to do about them.

 

Bring it to the table and we can talk about it. Let us find a way to empower women to be as bold as they can be.

 

What does being bold mean to you?

 

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To start us off I’ve picked something that recently came to my attention. Something I had to confess I do myself without even thinking about it.

 

The 1001 things we women apologize for and the language we use that constantly undermines ourselves.

 

I’m talking about the:

 

“Sorry for the mess in my living room, office, car, … I + fill in whatever excuse you feel is required for you having a life”

 

“I’m sorry,but I see that a different way”

 

“Sorry” when someone else bumps in to you.

“Perhaps we could try this approach”

 

“I think maybe that ….”

 

“Would it be a good idea to….?”

 

 

Once you start paying attention to it you will be astonished how many times we do this. And how ‘normal’ it is considered by all of us, men ànd women alike. Just think of the women that have stopped doing that. They will inevitably come across as forward, pushy, dominant. Even if we don’t intentionally think of them that way they do make us feel a bit off.
Are they being arrogant or is it that perhaps we are being confronted with a situation that brings us out of our comfort zone? Out of the established ‘normality’ of things?

 

Why should women use the words ‘maybe’ and ‘perhaps’ where men do not need them?

Why can a man say ‘We should do this and that to solve this problem’ but women should say ‘Perhaps we might try this’?

 

And it is not because those men are so much worse or deliberately trying to be dominant or better than women. We are all responsible for perpetuating this culture.

 

I dare you all to start paying attention in your daily lives and pick up on these hidden hints of division. I promise you, you’ll be surprised.

 

 

 

 

Can you think of other examples of this that you know you do or have noticed others doing?

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Think this really depends on the given culture/where you are. I don't see just women using uncertain or polite language for example, though they are more likely to go overboard with it - men often use it too, both in an urban or civil setting, and, same as woman, a lot of people will think he is standoffish or an arsehole for being direct or curt most of the time. Boldness is in fact something most people don't have, whatever their gender, and I think what's actually being talked about is self-esteem rather than boldness, i.e. feeling confident enough in yourself to communicate and interact without frequent self-doubt. 

I don't see a lot of what is mentioned here in most of the women in my own family - they'll tell you exactly how it is many times (depends on their personality) and they aren't afraid to be violent, such that people in the wider culture typify them as being "rude" or "trashy." I like to think that "boldness" is because they are raised to feel secure in themselves by assigning positive and practical gender roles that aren't completely immutable (since, again, its practical), instead of the impractical and artificial divisions most in the larger  culture go by (pink for girls, blue for boys, dolls for girls, trucks for boys, other stupid crap). There are radical feminists I know who think gender roles are blanketly bad or patriarchal, but I find it illogical and they demonstrate the flaw in their thinking by their own behaviour, but gender roles might be another discussion, another time.

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I noticed that I tend to use a lot of theses words... "we could maybe do this... or maybe do that..." or "I think that we should..." thanks to a training about the art of negotiation :tongue: (it was a 3 days class that I followed at the beginning of the year.)

 

The teacher told us that we would sound much more convincing without all these and if we use active words : 'I will do this', 'you do that'.

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Hmmm I totally agree with the thought that boldness may be self confidence. I'm the youngest of six in a family of loud confident intelligent siblings but I, as the youngest am the opposite. Even though I am an adult now I still find myself reverting into my 'youngest child' role with most any one I converse with which is pretty much just a lack of boldness or confidence. (Except around my husband, he is pretty swell at making me feel a valued equal). My point is maybe boldness is a behavior we gain when we feel safe and confident.

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lol no worries, Whosangie, I took care of it.

 

you raise an interesting point when you say that 'boldness is a behavior we gain when we feel safe and confident'.

 

There are, of course, exceptions to everything in life and it is definately the case that men can be just as insecure as women.

 

However, as this is International Women's Week, we'll mostly focus on the women's side of the equasion. Perhaps some tips and useful tricks will surface that those insecure men can use too.

 

Like the use of direct language instead of using the probational one.

 

 

 

So what elements in our lives can make us feel safe enough to be bold?
Do we have to wait for others to make us feel safe or can we take steps ourselves in that direction?

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What really helped me in being more bold was educating myself in feminism. Obviously this wouldn't work for everyone but it helped me.

 

So I would read articles about different struggles from around the globe, horrible ones about sex trafficking and violence that made me recognise my own privilege and want to strive to make a difference no matter how small. And smaller feminist struggles like catcalls that made me feel not alone in the types of struggles I deal with and manageable tips in how to handle it.   

 

Knowing I wasn't alone in facing every day sexism made me bolder somehow, even safer as I knew that I would likely have support from the other woman in my life. Like, I could take people putting me down but seeing/hearing about it happening to other people makes me mad and want to more bold.

 

If anyone has the time, this is one of the websites that I love, its called the Everyday Sexism Project. And people from throughout the world write about times they have dealt with catcalls and unwanted advances and it's staggering how many entries there are. Also, the book is good!

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I am speaking from my own experience, so it may not be helpful or apply to others, considering how complex any situation could be. In my experience, though, it is a mixture of others helping you and your own actions, but in this instance, it is mostly your own actions (and the gods, if you believe in that). For the most part, no one was making me feel "safe" or secure in myself - got off to a bad start, to put it lightly growing up, then a lot of my social life involved sometimes activities that essentially sum up to test your manhood, and since I was never as strong as most others, I'd often feel embarrassed about myself. In less formal interactions, there would be people who might insult how I look or insult my people, and I would be embarrased by that and feel I have to prove them wrong somehow. It was only a few people who helped me find worth in myself beyond what's on the outside, that and my own actions of switching to a religious life where I am not expected to be very physical and I am respected for that. I also don't care about strangers insulting me so much, because I know they are automatically garbage and if they keep at it, I feel physically competent enough to knock them down. 

 

Basically, a lot of hard knocks and lessons later, and now I have a purpose and self-image that I can feel secure in. My advice would be then don't wait for others to make you feel safe, because it's never going to happen - the only way you can find those others is going out and making a change yourself to begin with, make yourself into someone who doesn't look like easy prey. A lot of women don't seem to know how to fight, so I would recommend investing in self-defense or at least doing something to make yourself relatively physically strong if you can - not only of course would you avoid physical problems later in life, but knowing how to fight and not being afraid of it I think will give you a bit more self-confidence in any situation. Based on the gym, I would say that there are quite a lot of men who aren't really that physically strong, and even fewer with formal martial training, so exercising enough to get some pretty good muscle mass, and learning some sort of martial art, I would say would easily put you past many men. 

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what elements made me feel safe enough to be bold today ?

 

Well i thought of myself a warrior... i had a very delicate meeting today but i put my military pants on (with plenty of classy accessories :tongue:)

 

Before the meeting i convinced myself that I was a fighter, that i would get what I want... and it worked !

 

Now all my body language was probably influenced by that positive thinking lol

But, I have to say, I am proud :biggrin:

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The way women are depicted in movies, television, etc, is generally sexist. Oh, we're getting better, but we still have a looooooong way to go. I'm going to link you to something which, though it's hilarious, is also quite serious:

 

How about an Inverse Spy Movie: Woman Spy, Woman Villian, One Ripped Man with Constantly Erect Nipples

 

 

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Another question that popped up in my head while I was watching the Big Bang Theory.....

 

does being bold always mean an absence of shyness? are the two mutually exclusive?

 

And if so, does that mean that naturally shy people have no chance in being bold?

 

What kind of advise would you give a naturally shy person who wants to stand up for what they are passionate for, for what's important to them?

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Being bold certainly doesn't preclude being shy, least in my experience, but I am guessing that it depends on how you define shyness. I don't enjoy talking to or in front of other people unless its something I can prepare for beforehand, like a speech, which, in something like just an everyday conversation, you obviously can't do. I don't understand people outside my family and they don't understand me, so it's best to avoid the extreme awkwardness of it all, and I am generally considered either a shy person or a very severe person.

 

But if it's something I feel passionate about, I am going to speak up regardless - I guess that's garnered me the reputation in real life that I never speak unless I have something important or profound to say, which isn't far from the truth, and online as I never speak except to be confrontational or abrasive, which goes back to men being considered arseholes or rude if they are too direct, not just women. I am definitely not shy about direct action either, i.e. doesn't involve much talking, just go and do whatever it may be. When I was younger, I might have been what is considered a pushover, since I had no confidence in myself, but I got over that by, once I got out of the situation that did that to me, realising that nothing anyone else could do to me could possibly be worse than what I had lived through. Not entirely true, but it worked away much of my fear of having violence done on me so that I can act boldly, because I feel I can handle or live with the worst imaginable retaliations of a situation. Not sure how you would do that without living through it, but it sums up to not holding your life and safety so dearly, because then you are a lot freer to act even if it could be dangerous.

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I'd like to thank you all for your contributions to this discussion. You certainly brought up some interesting points and aspects to consider and think about.

Please feel free to continue to use this thread for tips and sharing with each other about how you could be more bold in various situations.

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