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Personal Stuff

Posted by alannalynn, 21 February 2012 · 278 views

I you could say that I'm lost again. I'm just so angry all the time because I'm upset and have no way to overcome my frustrations, so that makes me be a B***H and then others are mad at me and my relationships at the moment are down the drain. I just don't want to put any effort into anything because I'm so lost. What am I supposed to be to this world?

I work a job that I now hate because my new boss is oppressive and useless because he's new to the brand, he is easily frustrated and NOTHING gets done in the store. On top of that, we're getting more pressure from further up and I'm not getting the people on my shifts that will help me to succeed. Every week it is something new, every day there is a new catastrophe because everyone is fumbling with the new regime and things are not being done right or at all. I keep getting called in, so I don't sleep, much less do homework.

I'm too tired to do schoolwork. I work SO MUCH that by the time I get home, I can't focus on anything and I'm too jittery to sleep. I don't sleep I don't do homework, so I try to find stress relief somewhere.

I have no social life: these are my college years. I never had fun in high school, never did anything for myself, hated my high school, hated and still hate this town. On top of no social life, I've never been in a relation ship. The problem with this is my parents and coworkers pressuring me. Over and over they make fun of me, basically saying I'm incapable, I'm a lesbian, I'm a mean person, whatever. I don't have the time for it and I know that, but the pressure is killing me.

Then there's this town. My parents are thinking about moving back down to SC this summer so I just want to GIVE UP. I can't keep doing this, I'm falling apart in this town, I hate it. I hate my job and my home, my friends and everything. I want to turn myself off until this summer and just LEAVE without any kind of notice. But I can't.

I have to work 40+ hours a week to barely make tuition payments so I can get a real job. I have to kill myself day after day with no sleep, and hurt my grades because I can't do my homework. I have to bear with my "rent agreement" with my parents, and try to be civil even though I want to scream and yell and attack with all my might. I have to endure work and my boss, even though I don't care about it any more. I just want to quit everything and push a giant restart button.

Maybe I can restart from the beginning and have a father who calls me on Christmas and my birthday, a normal social life and a boyfriend, an easy job that doesn't ask anything from me but to be there, and a town that I'm not afraid to go outside in.

But that's not going to happen, is it? I'm falling apart, I swear I am. I don't know what to do. I hate putting on a fake smile everyday.