Jump to content






- - - - -

Conflicted

Posted by alannalynn, 15 April 2011 · 187 views

It's so odd. Despite my life being so positive right now, I'm as lost as a blind monkey in a city. It's difficult to explain any better than that, though I'm sure a blind monkey in a city (with no cars hopefully) would be rather hilarious. I mean, my aunt just had her baby, I'm up for a promotion at work (I'll be a manager!), and this semester is over in a month and yet... I'm conflicted.

I have such an inferiority complex that I've found myself hiding behind others for so long, and now that it's time for me to step up to the plate, I'm terrified out of my mind. I'm so worried that I won't be good enough, or that someone is better than me and I'll be overshadowed. I don't want to be in the spotlight, but maybe somewhere on the line between the shadow and light? :unsure: "eh"

I keep putting everything off because I don't want to think about it, I don't want to be a grownup, and yet I keep messing up, over and over again and I have no confidence in myself to do what I need to do. I am a grown up now, but . . . do I take the responsibility? Will people think less of me if I say no? Will people think more/less of me if I say yes?

On one hand I know I'll do a good job and on the other hand, I'm so terrified of being wrong in every aspect of my being that I'm afraid to try. UGH!

I need sleep. Work all night, school all day, when do I sleep? Am I sacrificing more sleep for more hours/better pay? Should I choose a major? Do I make leaps and bounds, or stay in my comfort zone? Where do I spend my time?

I'm so lost. And losing the will to try harder anymore. I can't keep pushing because eventually I'll fall over a cliff. Posted Image Posted Image




I'm sorry to hear about your feeling lost and conflicted, it's not at all unusual. I've felt that before several times. We're all afraid of messing up, but when we let that fear keep us from doing what we really want to do in life, we keep ourselves from happiness. It's a struggle I know, and I don't know all the details, but I want to wish you well to keep it up and I'm sure you'll figure it out, you have plenty of time to do so. Who says you have to have everything figured out by the end of college? (er correct me if I'm reading into this too much) Most people I know don't have it figured out by then anyway.

And don't let anyone pressure you with a set of goals that you do not share, or a time limit that they try to impose. Be yourself, do what's right for yourself and what you care about, and I'm sure you'll do your best even if you do make some mistakes. We're all human, we're not machines to be used and tossed away.

Maybe you've been pushing yourself a little too hard? Combining college and work is a mighty time management struggle, and even the best of us have had trouble with it. Might I recommend giving yourself enough time to rest and reflect on things? You sound really busy, and perhaps getting some time off would be useful? My thoughts anyway.
Best wishes,
Visar
Very well said, Visar. Fear can only hold you back, dear.
Just spread those wings and fly dear.