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Something I need to say

Posted by Levity, 21 January 2012 · 164 views

depression
I need to write this down... one more time. I need to lay it out in front of me and confirm that reality is what it is, and I'm finally willing to stand up on my own. I need to set this down before I can get out of bed, because otherwise I am not entirely certain I can even do that until I take this last step.

I have this friend, and we only knew each other online. I knew he had feelings for me. I loved having him around because he always listened to me and he always stood by my side, even when I was being oppressed by everyone else. He made me feel confident, I know. We used to write together and talk about everything we could. I used to call him mi rey and he used to call me su luna; 'rey' was part of his username, and 'luna' is part of my last name. He was born in Spain but moved to the US and I could tell he was Spanish out of his charisma and his romanticism, and... I might have depended on him a little too much, I know, and I never even realized it until now.

Well, I turned him down for a man that ended up lying to me for two years. Before I even had the time to turn around, my friend vanished near the end of August. I don't know where he's been. I heard from a few other people that his grandfather died and he had been in Spain for a while, and that school and family issues were probably what has been holding him back recently. The last time anyone heard from him was the nineteenth of December--according to another one of his closest friends, he apologized for leaving so long without notice, though never mentioned when or if he would return. She told him to post an apology thread on the forum we frequented, and his only response to that was that he would see. He logged out three minutes after logging in the last time (he claimed he had to help his mom with something) and no one has heard anything from him since.

Well, last Sunday the entire brunt force of his disappearance hit me, and I have been crying nonstop for nearly the entire week. If a spell comes on, I can cry for nearly two to three hours before I can recompose myself. I have been praying, sleeping, hyperventilating, and writing terrible poetry without end and even now as I type this I'm feeling tears coming on and I'm so tired of crying. I wish I had at least been able to tell him how much he meant to me. He used to worry about me because I would become lonely if he went absent for a period of time (I noticed that he began appearing online less and less often, though ceasing internet usage completely is incredibly uncharacteristic of him), and he would comfort me and tell me he would never do it again. ... And now this...

My biggest worry is that he changed and simply does not need us anymore. My friend tells me that it merely might be because he was depressed that he started growing distant, and I can believe that only because it's happening to me at this very moment. It's becoming incredibly severe. I have a hard time waking up in the morning and sleeping at night, and I burst into tears at random intervals and even with all of my dearest friends helping me, I still feel weak. I'm having trouble keeping my mind off of him because I can't enjoy anything the way I used to. I can barely communicate with people the way I used to. I wish he would come back. I wish he would know how many people are worried about him and how many miss him. I wish he has known that our feelings were mutual, at least, even if we don't end up together--at this point I only want him back, to make sure he's all right, and to comfort him and tell him I'm always here and apologize for some of the things I said before. I left the forum for a few months because I could not bear being reminded of him every time I logged on... I gave everyone my contact information and fled.

I know I need to move on. I know he will most likely be back, but the waiting game is hard, and I can barely focus on a single thing at the moment. I've been depressed before, but this one is attempting relentlessly to suck me in and never allow me back up to the surface. I have never in my life been suicidal, and I can't say I am now, but I've wondered what it might be like to merely sleep for months on end or at least until he returned, because this pain is overwhelming me and I'm so... tired... of it...

I wish I had been on when he appeared on the nineteenth...
... ugh...




I'm sorry you are soooo sad dear, Much LOVE and many HUGZZZZZ to you. I send energy to you and to your hopes of his safe and happy return!!!! Gudrean :aessedai:

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